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MIA Melania Finally Crosses Mexican Border With New Fake ID, Ready To Start New Life As Alejandra Giménez

CIUDAD MIER, MEXICO – ¡Dios Mío! There she is! Weeks after making her last public appearance at a D.C. hospital making up a story about a kidney issue to spend some time away from Don, Melania Trump has finally crossed into Mexico where she plans to assume a new identity and live a quiet life away from the spotlight.

Arriving in Ciudad Mier at the break of dawn this morning, Melania met with local border runners to receive her documentation and enable her to begin a new life as Alejandra Giménez, a native of the Tamaulipas region who has spent the last 20 years working in a bread factory.

She has now begun the two day journey in the back of a flatbed pickup truck to Matehuala, where she will live in a two-bedroomed townhouse with three other people – a far cry from the pomp and glamor of the White House.



But, according to one of the local border runners, this is exactly what she wants.

“Melania has had enough of the whole First Lady thing”, said Raúl (real name hidden), “This is what she wants. She is sick of being in the spotlight and pretending that she cares about things like cyber bullying and youth fitness schemes. She just wants to live a quiet life, one like she had before she met the orange one.”

“She has all of her ID’s and papers and she is good to go. I wish her well.”

It is not yet clear who will replace Melania as First Lady, but indications show that Roseanne is an early favorite to take her place.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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