WASHINGTON, D.C. – After noticing that various countries around the world were already beginning their New Year celebrations despite it only being lunch time at Mar-A-Lago, President Trump today announced that he plans to “put America at the forefront of New Year’s festivities by this time next year”.
Trump was reportedly sat in his underwear while drinking a tub of KFC gravy and watching CNN around lunchtime, when he first noticed the spectacular fireworks display over Sydney Harbor. After asking “is this live?” and a staffer confirming that it was, Trump stormed off to the bathroom and locked himself in for thirty minutes to pout.
And now, with the president back at the White House, he called a press conference this afternoon to announce his displeasure at the situation and vowed to make changes.
“I find it disgraceful that other countries are ringing in the New Year before America”, he said, “Almost 12 hours before us! Australia, New Zealand, China – China! Even China beat us to the draw! We need to be quicker, smarter, and twice as big as anyone else. We need to put America first!”
“I was watching TV and Australia were ringing in the New Year with this big, beautiful firework display, and we hadn’t even begun ours yet. It was unbelievable. We’re so far behind. Something needs to change.”
“And let me tell you, changes will be coming. I’ll be sitting down with my advisers to work out what we can do. We will welcome 2019 before anyone else in the world does, believe me.”
No details have been released yet, however it is believed that Trump will be making moves with the plans in the coming months.