HEAVEN – With Republican loser and completely not a kiddy-diddler Roy Moore claiming that he will “wait on God to see how it all plays out” and refusing to accept defeat to Doug Jones, God today confirmed that he’s just too busy right now to come down there and lend a hand.
Many evangelicals who don’t know how recount rules work are hoping that divine intervention allows Moore to somehow claim victory, but with a 1.6% winning margin now confirmed for Jones, this looks impossible.
And moments ago, God explained that his schedule just isn’t going to allow for Roy’s request to be met.
“Look, Roy’s a nice guy. Great with kids. As you know, I see everything, I’m just saying.”, he said, “But I’m a super busy guy and the Holidays are always hectic for me, dealing with all these prayers and my kid’s birthday and all that crap. You think Santa has it bad? Spend December in my shoes. It’ll make his job look like a weekend gig.”
“But yeah, I was watching CNN and I saw Roy’s comment. It was kind of rude of him, to be honest, to assume that I can just pen that into my schedule at the drop of his oversized cowboy hat. I don’t have time for that, I have a charity golf match with Satan in two hours that I’m not even ready for yet.”
“So Roy, if you’re listening then I, uh, look. I’d love to, but I just got finished washing my beard. Maybe next time.”
“I’ll be sure to send the family a Christmas card though. Tell Sassy I said hi.”