Trump Reassures Public That Farmer Bailouts Will Prevent 30 Million Cows From Becoming Jobless

"Look, I'm not eating my Cookie Crisp without milk. I'm not a soy boi!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After many people claimed that he is is advocating the idea of socialism with his $12m farms bailout plan, President Trump hit back this evening claiming that it would prevent millions of cows and other farmyard animals from having to claim unemployment benefits.

The bailout plan which surfaced yesterday is in retaliation to the tariffs placed on the U.S. by China, and would surely be rejected by the farmers of the U.S. who spit in the face of anything remotely resembling socialism and communism.

However Trump urged them, and the public, to consider the millions if not billions of farmyard animals who would be out of work and claiming unemployment by the end of the year.

“We‚Äôre going to do everything we can to help them”, Trump said at a press conference, “The cows, the sheep, the chickens, they all love me. I‚Äôd hate to see them turning tricks at local Klan rallies or my Scottish golf course. And we‚Äôre going to help them out.”

“Nobody wants to see those cows unemployed right? Nobody wants to see them without a roof over their heads, or collecting welfare. If that happens then who‚Äôs going to grow all of the milk? Look, I‚Äôm not eating my Cookie Crisp without milk. I‚Äôm not a soy boi!”

At the time of publication, thousands of farmers across the country were unsure as to how they would cash in their bailout checks. And the sheep sighed a great relief.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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