Christians Across America Spend Day Praying For Spongebob’s Misguided Soul

USA - As churches begin to open back up across America in a seemingly Christian-coordinated effort to ramp up the second spike of COVID-19, congregations across the country today came together today to pray for the soul of Spongebob Squarepants.

Squarepants, much to the dismay of white America who have never watched a single episode of Spongebob in their entire lives, came out as bisexual yesterday and as usual caused an uproar.

As of this morning, every single republican county in the country was praying for Spongebob, including a hastily-arranged prayer session in the Oval Office of the White House. This as usual included plenty of touchy-feely instances with hands all over the president’s perfectly-toned body.

“We come together today to pray for the sponge”, one priest in Alabama told his congregation, “We pray that the cartoon sponge may see his wrongdoings and understand that his moral compass must be realigned to love female cartoon sponges.

God we ask you to spread your loving light across the Bikini Bottom and ask that all those who touch it are blessed. We ask that you keep the sponge from burning in hell and mend his ways to allow him to enter sponge heaven.


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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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