Gulf Coast Stocks Up On Thoughts And Prayers Before 2019 Hurricane Season

Houston, Texas - In preparation for the 2019 hurricane season, the Gulf Coast from Tampa to Houston isn’t taking any chances this time around. After last year’s Cat 5 devastation of Panama City and the 2015 deluge that crippled Houston, local officials have met with FEMA officials to make sure every city is completely stocked with thoughts and prayers, should another hurricane potentially wipe their city off the map.

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that restaurants around the city were adding a thoughts and prayers gratuity line to their receipts, should customers wish to leave their best wishes in lieu of a tip to their server.

In Houston, televangelist and multi-millionaire Joel Osteen is adding upgraded hurricane suites, in the event a hurricane hits Galveston, or any other area with a median property value of over $10 million or more.

“After the complaints we had during Hurricane Harvey, we have added valet parking at Lakewood for all hurricane victims who have tithed at least $100,000 in the past year. We will also allow our valets to take tithes from those who wish to upgrade to our Paradise Suites, which are an addition to our church by popular demand.”

In Lafayette, Mayor Joel Robideaux has ditched rental properties, fearing either storm surges or audits. Speaking to a reporter, a local nutria rat has announced his plans to move back to South America.

Over in Florida, the last of the meth labs have been moved to higher ground in Georgia.

We will keep you informed as more thoughts and prayers arrive.

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Alexander Jones

Investigative reporter battling Obama's Deep State, uncovering globalist conspiracies. No relation to InfoWars' Alex Jones, who is really a disinformation agent for the New World Order. Buy MY supplements and prepper supplies!

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