WASHINGTON, D.C. - Great news this holiday season! With Christmas Day drawing to a close in the United States, President Trump this evening announced the withdrawl of 7,000 troops from the North Pole as he officially declared the War on Christmas won.
The troops, who have been stationed all around the North Pole region since 2016 in an effort to win the War on Christmas, will begin returning home in January. A further 1,000 are expected to withdraw shortly after.
President Trump made the announcement a short time ago, claiming that he was convinced that it was time to leave despite a recent uptick in glass decoration attacks.
“I wished Melania a Merry Christmas today”, he said, “And that’s when I knew that we’d won. No crazy liberals were attacking me for saying it. It was very simple, very easy, just like the old days before all of this PC nonsense.”
“It’s been a hard fight, it really has. Hard, and long. But our troops did what they always do and get the job done.”
“We lost many, many good men and women during the time that they were overseas. But they died with honor and made the ultimate sacrifice in the name of Christmas. True heroes, every single one of them. Definitely.”
“It’s time to bring those troops home!”