Trump: “3,000 People Did Not Die. Maria Was Just A Quick Shower. Puerto Rico Doesn’t Even Exist.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump hit back at those criticizing his Hurricane Maria efforts this morning, by claiming that 3,000 people did not die, that it was just a brief shower, and that Puerto Rico isn’t even a real place.

Trump, who has been under fire since last year for his Puerto Rico recovery efforts, slammed the fake news media for even suggesting that it was his fault.

“You people are fake news”, he said at a press conference pertaining to Hurricane Florence, “3,000 people did not die. It was like, three at most. And it was probably their fault or something. People die all the time, it’s no big deal.”

“Also the fake news and fake scientists and fake meteorogomists were all saying that it was this big bad hurricane. Wrong. Again, none of it is true. It was a light drizzle and everyone was fine. Nothing an umbrella couldn’t handle.”

“Anyway, everyone is acting like this Puerto Rico place is real. I mean, come on, it’s a made up place anyway. It’s from some kids book. John Bolton told me himself. Puerto Rico, what a dumb name for a place. No real place would be named something like that.”

“Everyone needs to just calm down, relax. It’s not an issue. Did I mention that black unemployment is at its lowest since 1878?”

It is yet to be seen how President Trump and the federal government responds to the approaching Hurricane Florence, however it is believed that Play-Doh and paper towels have been purchased in bulk.

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Burt Roscoe

Burt Roscoe here! True patriot, REAL AMERICAN, and defender of every constitution you can think of! Clearly you're also a REAL AMERICAN by reading my column - I appreciate that! Proud conservative ready to defend liberty, justice and freedom from those insufferable LIBTARDS! MAGA MAGA MAGA!!!

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