GOP Running Dangerously Low On Thoughts And Prayers After Today’s Mass Shooting

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Conservative politicians across the country are definitely worrying right now, as supplies of thoughts and prayers are running dangerously low across the country.

The issue arises as yet another mass shooting took place today, this one in Jacksonville, FL. Because of this, members of the GOP have raised concerns that they are sending more thoughts and prayers out faster than they can be produced.

House Speaker Paul Ryan explained why he is nervous for the future.

“Many of us conservative representatives that continue to believe that thoughts and prayers will make things better are definitely concerned”, he said, “I know we shouldn’t care - they’re millennial gamer snowflakes. They don’t vote, and need to spend less time playing Minesweeper and the Pokomans and more time getting on board with our 1950’s values. But it’s what we do. We care.”

“But we need to look to the future. Thoughts and prayer production can’t keep up with us and it’s something we need to address. What’s going to happen when we run out? We’ll have to actually act - it doesn’t bare thinking about.”

“Also please note that I referenced Minesweeper and Pokomans for the cool hip cats out there.”

“Also thoughts and prayers.”

GOP members are expected to act swiftly.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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