Washington, DC - Unite The Right protesters are descending on Washington this Sunday, and this year, they’re trying to appear more welcoming by offering free White Russians to anyone who wants to join their rally.
Organizer Jason Kessler was unable to hold the rally in Charlottesville, VA a second time after the first event turned deadly, and two state police officers died in a helicopter crash.
This year’s rally will be held in DC near the White House. Kessler is hoping to use the event to invigorate the alt-right, and perhaps score some of that sweet Russian cash the NRA was tapping into. Featured guest Maria Butina was forced to cancel her appearance, due to being in prison. A request was made for Stephen Miller to address the rally, but he turned it down citing “scheduling conflicts.”
Unite the Right will have catered chicken tenders, and Kessler himself will be serving White Russians (whole dairy milk only).
“Whatever you do, please don’t consume too many and get behind the wheel. Unless you plan on running into some counter-protesters, in which case, we’re totally cool with it. Whatever it takes the own the libs, right?”
Unite the Right should wrap up around 5pm, when their parents get out of church. Park Police estimate it should take about a week to clear the area of the stench of unwashed, misplaced white angst and Axe body spray.