Technology

LEAKED: VP Mike Pence Announces First Space Force Probe Mission to Uranus

But only if Mother approves it

Washington, DC – VP Mike Pence is scheduled to announce the first mission of Space Force – and it’s to Uranus.

We obtained a rough draft of his speech by someone who is totally not Eric Trump, or Sarah Huckabee Sanders. We totally pinky swear, cross our hearts, etc.

Anyhow, here it is:

We set sail on this new dark sea because there is new knowledge to be gained, and new rights to be won, and they must be won and used for the progress of all white heterosexuals like myself people. For space science, like nuclear science and all technology, has no conscience of its own, much like me. Whether it will become a force for good or ill depends on man, and only if the United States occupies a position of pre-eminence can we help decide whether this new ocean will be a frothy sea of peace or a new terrifying theater of war. Personally, I like war if it brings about the second coming of Christ. I do not say that we should or will go unprotected against the hostile misuse of space any more than we go unprotected against the hostile use of land or sea, but I do say that space can be explored and mastered without feeding the fires of war, without repeating the mistakes that man has made in erecting extending his writ around this globe of ours.



There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet – but we can certainly change that. Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation may never cum come again. But why, some say, Uranus? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask, why climb the highest mountain? Why, 88 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why do men put on tight pants and tackle each other over balls? No homo.

We choose to go to Uranus! We choose to go to Uranus in this decade and do the other things like probe that gassy giant repeatedly, not because they are easy, but because they are hard and stiff as it gets; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too.

Wow! We haven’t heard such an arousing speech about space since President John F. Kennedy in 1962. VP Pence sure has a way with words, doesn’t he? He must hire the best people for speech writers.



Bear in mind that this is just the rough draft for the Space Force announcement. We await Mother’s approval and look forward to hearing the official announcement for Space Force shortly.

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John Barron

I am definitely not Donald Trump. No sir, not me. You must be thinking of somebody else.

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