GREAT NEWS: Congress Votes In Plans To Increase School Security By Making Them Inflatable And Bouncy

Finally, a sensible way to secure our classrooms.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After yet another school shooting yesterday in Santa Fe, TX, congress have pushed through an emergency bill that will see school classroom security increased tenfold by making them inflatable and bouncy and surely capable of seeing any bullet twang right back at the perpetrator.

Members of Capitol Hill were pulled away from their bougie luncheons and NRA meetings today to advance the bill despite it being a weekend.

The bill passed successfully after every single republican was convinced that giving schools bouncy walls was flawless logic, leaving many of them wondering why this hadn’t been enacted earlier.

President Trump is believed to be a big supporter of the emergency bill, and it is expected to land in his desk on Monday when he returns from probably playing golf or something.

He is not expected to veto it.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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