HEAVEN - Claiming that there is a possibility of them being completely ineffective, Heaven has announced the recall of trillions of thoughts and prayers dating back thousands of years.
The recall, which is believed to be the biggest of its kind and the largest since the 1829 recall of a batch of combustable bibles, is expected to affect billions of devotees to God.
Thoughts and prayers dating back to 2 A.D. all the way through to current day are affected, and the afterlife utopia released further instructions on how to return them earlier this afternoon.
Heaven spokesperson Bob Rankin explained the issue and what to do next.
“We understand that this is going to be an inconvenience for many people”, he said, “But we don’t want to mislead our followers. We want to be truthful and forthright and confirm that many, a lot - maybe all - of your thoughts and prayers have been completely ineffective.”
“Clearly bad things are still happening down there on Earth which is a clear indication that something is going wrong. Honestly we’re surprised that we haven’t had more complaints. You’d have to be an idiot to not see that there’s a fault somewhere along the line.”
“Our systems do have a complete database of every thought and prayer that we have received, so we will be sending out letters to these people. We ask that they complete the attached form and list of all of your thoughts and prayers that you have ever sent before returning it to us. Postage is of course free.”
“Again Heaven apologizes for any inconvenience caused. We want to make this right.”