News

As Israel And Iran Trade Missile Fire, Mike Pence Masturbates Furiously To The Book Of Revelations

Mike Pence's End Times fantasies are coming true

Washington, DC – While Iran and Israel traded missile fire across the border with Syria, Mike Pence quietly locked himself in his bathroom, pulled out his Bible, and began furiously jerking off to the Book of Revelations.

“It’s all coming true, finally!” crowed Mike Pence as he excitedly thumbed through stuck together pages of End Times prophecies, looking for the passages that really get him off. Making sure the door was locked, in case Mother might interrupt him, the vice president slid his hands down the front of his tighty-whities, and began fantasizing about the possibility of Jesus coming again after the destruction of Israel.



Ignoring the pictures of starving children that Paul Ryan had sent him as a going-away present, the VP thumbed through his Bible looking for the passage about only 144,000 Jews getting into heaven that really made him hard.

Finally finding the part with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pence bit his lip and closed his eyes, imagining paradise for the next 2 hours as he unloaded his precious bodily fluids at the thought of the impending death of all but 144,000 Jewish people.

“Michael! Are you sinning in there?” suddenly came a voice from beyond the locked door as Pence slumped to his knees into a pile of discarded Trump-branded dress socks.

“No, Mother! Prepare yourself, Jesus is coming again, and so am I!”

Tags
Show More

Alexander Jones

Investigative reporter battling Obama's Deep State, uncovering globalist conspiracies. No relation to InfoWars' Alex Jones, who is really a disinformation agent for the New World Order. Buy MY supplements and prepper supplies!

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Back to top button
Close
Close