NEARBY - After hearing your concerns that something needs to be done in regards to gun safety and the possibility of enacting sensible gun reform, your local well-regulated militia has today moved to reassure you that none of that is necessary and they are here to keep you safe.
The militia, who prefer to go by the name of ‘Deep South Patriot Freedom Defenders’ (and definitely not the Mobile Home Militia because that really pisses them off), were happy to take questions from other local citizens at a round table meeting at a nearby Waffle House.
Militia leader Troy Morell began the meeting by laying out the credentials and the experiences of the group, which to be fair was a fairly impressive resume.
“We are a highly experienced bunch of guys who have many many hours in the battlefield”, he said, “Bobby over here has racked up over 200 hours alone on Goldeneye on the Nintendo. We have a couple of guys over here who went one step further and managed to complete Call of Duty on intermediate mode.”
“As far as training goes, we’re always keeping up to date. After we’ve finished our Bud Lights we line the empty cans up on Paw’ Jim’s fenceline and knock those suckers off. We hit them most of the time. Like, two out of three times. That’s a pretty good record, right?”
“We’re all fine physical specimens, too, that are all willing to chase down assailants as long as they ain’t too fast and are ready to give up after like, half a minute.”
“So look, y’all don’t need to worry about all those dumb rules that y’all want for guns. The constitution clearly states “well regulated miltia”, and that’s what we are. Now, we’ll be taking questions right after we’ve finished our meals. Can we get some more of those nice ass hashbrowns please?”
You and your loved ones, as well as other residents, are urged not to worry about gun regulation. These guys have got your six.