BREAKING: President Trump “In Excellent Health” For Someone Whose Blood Consists Of 96% KFC Gravy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Great news for President Trump this evening, as the physician at the center of his annual physical examination confirmed that he’s in perfect shape for someone whose blood consists of 96% KFC gravy.

Trump, who has been under scrutiny over his possible well being due to it being regularly reported that he eats takeout food almost daily, passed the medical with flying colors and received praise from the White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson.

But Jackson today refuted those claims and, once his $250k check had cleared, explained that the president was in fine physical standing.

“I can today confirm that not only is Mr. Trump in perfect health, but his blood consists of 96% delicious KFC gravy and three out of five of his vital organs are indeed items that can be found on the McDonalds dollar menu.”, Dr. Jackson said in a press conference, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a fine physical specimen as Mr. Trump.”

“We took bloods in order to sample some of the gravy, and although it had a slight irony taste, was still very tasty and in my professional medical opinion an absolutely perfect compliment to some lightly salted fries.”

“It’s also worth noting that, as part of my payment, I am required to also confirm that Mr. Trump also smashed the 1500m record that we require all presidents to run by almost two minutes. A truly record-breaking president.”

“Also I must say that Mr. Trump performed far, far, far better than Obama, Hillary, or anyone else. Did I say that right?

The results are sure to silence critics until the next physical exam in 2019.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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