Attorney General Jeff Sessions Announces Federal Crackdown On Catnip Usage

"One minute it's catnip, the next minute your pets are shooting up heroin"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Attorney General Jeff Sessions cranked up his revived War on Drugs even further this afternoon, by announcing plans to crackdown on catnip usage and suggesting that the “trashy, highly additive substance” is “out of control in all states”.

Sessions, who announced Thursday morning he had removed the barrier that had held back federal prosecutors from pursuing marijuana cases in states that had made pot legal, showed that he wasn’t backing down in tackling drug usage across the country with his comments.

Speaking at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today, a headstrong Sessions explained that he would be tackling the issue head on, and with force.

“It’s a slippery slope for many cats across the United States”, he said, “One minute they’re rolling about in catnip, the next they’re gathering in Brooklyn alleyways at 2am, shooting heroin and dealing in black market treats. It’s the biggest gateway drug in the feline world and we need to do something about it, and quickly.”

“Obviously it is legal in every single state at the moment, but I’ll be giving each and every authority the power to crack down on it, and I personally will be spearheading the effort to ensure that we criminalize this horrific substance.”

“I would say it is one of, if not the biggest crisis facing cats at the moment. You just have to look at the distinct characteristic differences between them and dogs. Dogs always bring the ball back, they always sit, they always roll over. You know why? Because they’re never under the influence of dangerous and mind-altering drugs.”

“We will be pushing this initiative forward over the next few months.”

Show More

Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

Related Articles

3 thoughts on “Attorney General Jeff Sessions Announces Federal Crackdown On Catnip Usage”

  1. Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.