Atlanta, Georgia - Eager to solidify the city’s reputation as a progressive hub in the Deep South, Atlanta officials have decided to replace all remaining Confederate statues with memorials to the 2016-2017 Falcons Super Bowl run.
This decision comes as a great relief to Falcons fans who are eager to mourn a more recent defeat, one with a more surprising outcome, and a little less embarrassing racism.
“We understand that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead” stated City Council member Glenn Rhee. “However, to be fair, they had a much better chance of winning than the Confederate Army did over 150 years ago. By the time the Union Army got to Georgia, they were burning just about everything in their path, and Jefferson Davis was picking out women’s clothes to hide in for his escape to Mexico.”
The statues will be easy to repurpose and be ready in time for next year’s Super Bowl 52 which may feature Atlanta’s bitter rival, the New Orleans Saints, according to an artistic contractor hired by the city.
“Atlanta is used to losing, have you seen the Braves recently? Sad! It won’t be hard to replace the white flags held by Confederate soldiers with Falcons flags, then just drop a football helmet on each of the statues” proclaimed SCAD student Robin Matthews who was excited to finally put his $100,000 pottery degree to use.
Any unused Confederate monuments will be crushed and used for filling potholes, most likely during rush hour construction for maximum frustration.