Hi, I’m Roy Moore and I’m want to be your next United States senator from Alabama. You may remember me from such malls as definitely not yours.
Alabama is a great state, the greatest state in not only the United States, but the world. That is why I, Roy Moore, am running to represent it in the United States Senate. Sadly, both the liberals and the establishment Republicans in Washington are afraid of me bringing Alabama values to the swamp that Donald Trump is trying to empty.
Before you go to the polls tomorrow, please consider the following points, and ask yourself if electing a baby-murdering Democrat instead of me is the wisest choice.
As a Supreme Court justice in Alabama, I’ve fought the liberal assault on our values, and lost my job twice for it. You know who else suffered for their convictions and Christian beliefs? Jesus Christ, and that’s what many young women have said when I tried to comfort them with my rod and staff.
I strongly believe that many great people throughout history would want me to win. 50% of them being from the Dark Ages, and the other 50% from the Alabama state sex offenders registry.
Do you really want a candidate to win that successfully prosecuted God-fearing members of the KKK, an organization that has stood for white Christian values ever since the War of Northern Aggression? I don’t know about you, but that’s an infringement of free speech!
Doug Jones believes that women have the right to vote and have control over their bodies. That’s insane and flies in the face of every biblical value Alabama has held dear since we became a state. Back in the day, you could trade your daughter’s hand in marriage for 5 goats and a can of Skoal. Thanks to the liberal agenda, the value of a rare Alabama 16-year-old virgin has decreased to 1 cow and a six-pack of Natural Light.
Like Donald Trump is making America great again, I will make Alabama great again. I, Roy Moore, will ensure that Old Testament values are represented in Washington as God and the Founding Fathers. I already have a 3/5’s compromise with the blacks, and I’ve secured the endorsement of the great civil rights activist, Clayton Bigsby.
Listen, the choice is yours. But remember, only one candidate gave out free VIP meet and greet tickets to kids at their rallies. And that was your ol’ pal Roy Moore.
Vote for me on Tuesday, and save America from pedophile fundamentalists. Those are Muslims, just in case you were confused.