Washington, D.C. – Ahead of Thursday night’s game between bitter NFC East rivals Washington and Dallas, Donald Trump has made reparations to Native Americans by awarding the game to the Washington Redskins.
Trump angered many people yesterday by calling Senator Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” at an event honoring Navajo code-talkers.
Even though he did nothing wrong, our God Emperor Trump is merciful and willing to appease anyone who needed a safe space after his remarks. This is why he has issued an executive order giving Thursday’s game to the Redskins.
“Look, I love the American Indians. Ghandi was a wonderful man. You won’t find anyone who respects the Nabisco Codebreakers more than me.” he said today. “In fact, I love them so much that I just got finished signing an executive order which will see the Washington Redskins be given an automatic win against the Cowboys this week.”
“I called the Redskins owner Daniel Snyder this morning and i said “Daniel, thank you for ensuring that we have an NFL team full of Native Americans. It’s a great thing you’re doing over there”. Admittedly he sounded a little confused but it was 4am, so he could have been tired. Not everyone is awake at 4am like me, I get it.”
“Anyway they’ll be getting an automatic 184-16 win on Thursday. I’ve already called Jerry Jones to apologize but I think he understands.”
The NFL has yet to comment on the executive order, presumably too busy with working out what to do with their new-found three hour time-slot on Thursday night.