AUSTIN, TX - The yellow roses have festered and died, the belt buckles luster a bit less, and the stars at night, no longer shine quite so bright… Deep in the heart of Texas. Flags representing the Lone Star State are flying at half mast, as the great pride being bruised amid a growing scandal far bigger than even the hair of a native Texan wife. What could have occurred to cause the self proclaimed “Great State” to feel such shame?
A native Texan has forgotten the Alamo!
The Alamo, the site of a historic battle during the Texas Revolution, is a symbol of what it means to be a Texan. Located across the street from a variety of tourist t-shirt shops, the former Mission is remembered by several celebrities, many of whom are not from Texas. Ozzy Osbourne declared the Alamo “Number One!” by going number one on the historic mission. Pee-Wee Herman, during his search for his stolen bicycle, tragically learned that no basement existed at the Alamo.
The center of this outrage is native-born Randall “Tex” Stetson. Tex Stetson was a shining example of what it meant to be a true Texan, or at least he was until he committed the greatest of Lone Star Sins. For this disgraced Texan, no longer will it matter how big a lift his American made 4×4 pickup truck has, that his salsa did not come from New York City, or that he displayed a belt buckle so grand that Hulk Hogan has issued a challenge for it at this years Wrestlemania. The citizens of the state cannot overlook the atrocity he committed, many out for the blood he has thinned with years of watery beer consumption.
We visited Arlen, TX to ask locals their thoughts on the scandal:
You can’t just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I’d like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that’s just not the way it works.
- H. Hill
Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol’ Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An’ lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click, Click, Click, Click, Click. It’s real easy, man.
- J. Boomahauer
I’ve finally stopped crying but that’s only because I started vomiting.
D. Gribble R. Shackleford
I mainly just know about possums.
- B. Dautrieve
I’m Cotton Hill, I killed fitty men!
- Name Withheld
Texas governor Greg Abbott is issuing an executive order stripping Stetson of his state citizenship, as well as his lifelong nickname. State legislators are considering having Stetson banned from all Whataburger locations as well as Texas Roadhouse, despite the chain of steakhouses were founded in Indiana. Judge CF Steak is planning to sentence Randall Stetson to life imprisoned in a location worse than Hell: Oklahoma.
Currently, law enforcement is standing by to arrest Stetson, who is seeking sanctuary inside of a Dallas IHOP. Officials are attempting to decide whether the International House of Pancakes is foreign soil.