Washington, DC – Rapper Eminem’s freestyle rap diss of Donald Trump struck hard inside the Beltway. His condemnation of Donald Trump and his followers drew a partisan line that threatens to tear Washington apart.
Country music fans in the White House and those who appreciate what Trump calls “jungle music” have been pitted against each other in a standoff that elevated White House security levels from Code Orange to Code “Holy Shit!”
Fortunately, Vice President Mike Pence, with his hands heavy and his palms sweaty, agreed to turn over his mother’s spaghetti recipe in order to calm both sides.
Here is the formula, leaked to us by a chef inside the White House who promptly threw up his hands and exclaimed “Mama Mia!” after this culinary revelation.
1 cup of prayers before the stove is turned on.
Pretend the flames are burning the gays.
2 cups of water, lightly salted, per handful of spaghetti.
Wash your hands, three times if you accidentally touched your naughty parts.
Bring water to a boil, pray to God a nuclear war doesn’t start.
Add spaghetti from the box, hoping that you aren’t aroused by the heat of the stove.
Let the pasta strain while dreaming of forced vaginal ultrasounds.
Add pasta sauce, not the spicy kind.
Mother can’t go to the store for Tums.
Serve at room temperature, be sure Mother checks it for you first.
Floss afterwards. Pray again.
This spaghetti recipe will be used for all future White House dinners with Italian government representatives.
In related news, Italian chefs everywhere just threw their aprons into an oven and quit.