Politics

Ted Cruz Makes Last Ditch Attempt To Resonate With Younger Voters By Carrying Candy Cigarette Around

HOUSTON, TX – In what most are calling a ballsy move, Ted Cruz is making a last-minute attempt to resonate with younger voters by carrying around and smoking a candy cigarette.

Cruz, who is desperate to garner votes from those under the age of 30, is clearly moving to do everything that he can as opponent Beto O’Rourke taps into the younger generation with ease.



But with this latest stunt, the Cruz campaign truly believes that they have the upper hand on Beto, who has already skateboarded his way into events and hung out at Whataburger.

“We’ve been doing plenty of research and this is quite obviously the type of thing that these hip young cats find cool today”, said campaign spokesperson Lisa Rowe, “Ted loves nothing more than puff puff puffing on a big fat scooby while getting down with the kids. Mega awesome.”

“Rest assured, young dudes, that Uncle Ted really is a cowabunga kind of guy. Just look at the way he inhales all of that smoke and releases it in a circle. Look closer, he’s definitely doing it. No, really, look. Rad, right?”

“Chill Uncle Ted would love your votes so if you could unicycle down to your local polling station and put a big fat checkety-check next to his name, that would be super good.”

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Burt Roscoe

Burt Roscoe here! True patriot, REAL AMERICAN, and defender of every constitution you can think of! Clearly you're also a REAL AMERICAN by reading my column - I appreciate that! Proud conservative ready to defend liberty, justice and freedom from those insufferable LIBTARDS! MAGA MAGA MAGA!!!

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