Great news, everyone! WWE owner Vince McMahon has decided to capitalize on the lower ratings in the NFL and reanimate the corpse of the XFL that was born, and died, in 2001.
American Lampoon reporters were able to obtain exclusive access to the plans, and we are happy to bring you the top ten ways the XFL will make the new league WAY more American than the failing NFL.
10. The XFL will one-up the NFL by, instead of throwing flags, will throw the heads of beheaded suspected ISIS members during penalty calls.
9. The National Anthem will only be performed by true patriots like Ted Nugent or Kid Rock. Anyone caught kneeling will be beaten to death with a steel chair.
8. Half time show is Jesus carrying the cross while kicking a 50 yard field goal
7. Not only do you get to stand for the National Anthem, but you’re actually forced to stand for the whole game because there won’t be any seats installed.
6. All games will feature flyovers by military planes, which will drop surplus weapons into the crowd. Whether it’s a broken 1911 Colt, or a fully-functional and loaded M4 carbine ready to 2nd Amendment the slow beer vendor, every fan is sure to be surprised.
5. Spectator interaction will be included as they’ll release various endangered species onto the field during commercial breaks for fans to shoot at.
4. Added rivalries between each sets of fans as there’ll be Thoughts And Prayer-ometers installed to see who can send the most throughout each game.
3. Overtime will be decided by opposing quarterbacks in a steel cage match, with the weapons of their choosing.
2. The XFL online store will allow you to purchase everything from red #MAGA hats, to the recently-broken teeth of your favorite player. If you’re looking for something for your special somebody, the XFL store has you covered! Copies of the Handmaid’s Tale and the Bible signed by Tim Tebow will be available also.
1. To ensure maximum lip service to members of our military, everyone in uniform will be orally pleasured during the singing of the National Anthem by XFL cheerleaders while eagles are released into the sky.
God bless America!