WASHINGTON, D.C. – Attorney General Jeff Sessions cranked up his revived War on Drugs even further this afternoon, by announcing plans to crackdown on catnip usage and suggesting that the “trashy, highly additive substance” is “out of control in all states”.
Sessions, who announced Thursday morning he had removed the barrier that had held back federal prosecutors from pursuing marijuana cases in states that had made pot legal, showed that he wasn’t backing down in tackling drug usage across the country with his comments.
Speaking at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today, a headstrong Sessions explained that he would be tackling the issue head on, and with force.
“It’s a slippery slope for many cats across the United States”, he said, “One minute they’re rolling about in catnip, the next they’re gathering in Brooklyn alleyways at 2am, shooting heroin and dealing in black market treats. It’s the biggest gateway drug in the feline world and we need to do something about it, and quickly.”
“Obviously it is legal in every single state at the moment, but I’ll be giving each and every authority the power to crack down on it, and I personally will be spearheading the effort to ensure that we criminalize this horrific substance.”
“I would say it is one of, if not the biggest crisis facing cats at the moment. You just have to look at the distinct characteristic differences between them and dogs. Dogs always bring the ball back, they always sit, they always roll over. You know why? Because they’re never under the influence of dangerous and mind-altering drugs.”
“We will be pushing this initiative forward over the next few months.”