Tech

SAD: Report Suggests That 2 Million Grandparents Would Be Forced To Leave Farmville Under Net Neutrality Roll-Back

This would be a terrible move by the FCC.

FARMVILLE – In a heartbreaking outcome, an independent report released today by the ITCB (International Tech Committee Board) suggests that over 2 million elderly folk would be forced to leave Farmville if the FCC follows through with repealing current net neutrality laws.



What is net neutrality?

Net neutrality currently prevents Internet providers such as Verizon and Comcast from dictating the kinds of content you’re able to access online. For instance, Comcast would probably like to promote NBC’s content over ABC’s to its Internet subscribers. In another example, it would prevent small-town ISP’s in the bible belt from promoting Infowars content and Hillary/Benghazi memes, like we all know they’d love to do.

Furthermore, net neutrality also prevents ISP’s from selling you cable-like “bundle packages”. For instance, they could charge you a base fee of $30, then tack on a “social media” access bundle for an extra $10. Or a “Conservative and proud” bundle for an extra $15, giving you access to the Alex Jones podcast and incest porn videos.



What did the report find?

89% of grandparents are heavily-involved in maintaining the beautiful town of Farmsville. That’s a lot of people. However, with a net neutrality roll-back this could potentially increase the cost of even accessing Farmville, putting these elderly folk out of work and forcing them to leave. Who will plant the trees? Who will sow the seeds? Who will help each other level up?

Long time resident Ida Noble explains her concerns.

“I’m not sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do”, she said worryingly, “Planting Super Berry seeds and annoying friends with help requests is all I really know. The FCC’s decision could well force me to move away from Farmville and find a real job.”

“I urge the FCC to reconsider. I just reached level 36 and was able to access a whole new set of buildings. It’s a scary time for me and my friends who live here.”

The FCC is expected to unveil its plan to destroy net neutrality this week, however no official announcement has yet been made.

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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