COMEBACK: Coal Set For 500% Increase In Production After This Man Just Bought 4 Bags Of It For His Cookout

Phil Eisenhart may well be the hero that the coal industry needs.

North Platte, NB – Incredible. Experts and the general public alike are eating their words this evening, after local man Phil Eisenhart may well have just single-handedly saved the U.S. coal industry by purchasing four bags of coals for his cookout tonight.

Eisenhart, who plans on grilling for friends and family members alike after deciding to make the most of the rapidly declining warmth, purchased the bags from his local Gary’s Super Foods after exclaiming to himself that “damn, that’s a pretty good price”.

The coal sector – buoyed by the news – is expected to ramp up production of the fossil fuel by approximately 500% over the next few months, potentially putting up to one person back to work.

“This is the news that we’ve been waiting for”, said National Coal Council spokesperson Bryan Beers, “Many miners and production workers voted for Trump on the promise of bringing coal back as a viable energy source, and we see now that he is following through with that.”

“To be honest we’ve all been sat around twiddling our thumbs for the past year or so. So when we got the news through that we needed to replace four bags of coals that had been purchased, it was like a jolt of lightning.”

“Coal miners everywhere in America have always been confident that coal is the best energy source available. And now Mr. Eisenhart will witness that first hand, when he sees the almighty power of the coal provide efficient energy to his grill and cook his burgers, hot dogs and other meaty food items to absolute perfection.”

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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